The Elephant in the Room

The Elephant in the Room

So let’s talk Cancer.

[Are you uncomfortable yet?]

My experience since my mom was diagnosed has been that people easily are.

They always ask, “How is your mom doing?”

But what they are really saying is:

“I am trying to be polite right now. Please just answer that she is doing well so we can move past this unsettling conversation and talk about the latest Biebs news”

I get it.

I get it and so I respond, “she is doing well. Now tell me more about your super interesting pop culture Biebs update.”

Quick subject change.

I’ve noticed that when I don’t do this and purely answer the truth about my mom, there is a long silence: The Elephant in the room.

Sometimes I really wish it was socially acceptable to tell someone, “No, I’m not okay” or “Actually she’s been feeling pretty shitty. She’s scared, tired, and worried”.

But alas, it is not. Which is why I created a blog.

If you don’t want to know how my mom is REALLY doing or how I am REALLY coping, then I would discourage you from reading.

That being said:

This is my mama Terri.

Things You Should Know About Her:

  • She cries watching Hallmark commercials
  • Her favorite movie is Gidget
  • When you’re sad [well not you, but me] she will do her amazingly terrible awesome version of the running man
  • Coffee is her vice [one that I have inherited since starting a 9-5]
  • Her heart is in the people she loves and she will do anything for them

My mom and I have always had a special relationship.

We gossip. We have inside jokes. We laugh together. We cry together. We tell each other almost everything, good or bad. We talk every single day.

Derek pokes fun because every month when he gets our phone bill the only person called on mine is my mom.

I think I’ve made my point: I love my mom.

So this is hard.

The fear. The uncertainty.

As the oldest, it has been engraved in my brain that I am supposed to be strong and optimistic… and I am, most of the time.

But sometimes…

Sometimes I just want to scream.

Sometimes when you ask me about my mom, it takes everything I have to hold back the tears, to hold back the pain.

I am not one to talk about my feelings [such a weird girl I know]

I don’t like to show weakness.

This is new, so I am sorry if it seems as though I have just thrown up emotions all over this page [because that’s exactly what I’ve done]

I think about the future often. I try not to, but I feel as though I can’t help it.

Will my children know my mom in the same special way that I knew my grandma?

Who will I talk to? Who will give me advice and encouragement when everything feels wrong?

What will happen to my family, when my mom is the glue that holds us together?

Muhammad Ali wisely said “Don’t count the days, make the days count.”

I’m trying to live by this.

Today my mom is alive. She is alive and she is smiling.

Today I am blessed.

“Feed your faith and your fears will starve to death.”

2 Comments

  1. Katy Adams on December 9, 2011 at 1:14 am

    Andrea i feel the same way you do! It is vary hard to deal with a family member in pain. Its the one thing on your mind 24/7 and its all you can talk about. Then again it hurts to talk about. I want people to ask how my son is and how he is healing and show they care, but then i become upset and sad when they do. I, like you said change subjects real quick because the truth makes everyone uncomfortable. Your mother is an incredibly strong woman who i still hold in high esteam, and you yourself have gotten that from her. I miss you both and your family, if you ever want to talk let me know. Even though we aren’t best friends like we were in high school i still care for you and am praying for your mom.

  2. lendmeyourkite on December 9, 2011 at 9:28 pm

    Thanks a million Katy. If you ever want to have an “uncomfortable” conversation I would be more than happy to hear how things are REALLY going and how you are REALLY feeling 🙂

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