10 Reasons Why She Wants To Destroy Your Xbox
1. Have you ever seen that Miller Lite commercial where the girlfriend is giving the boyfriend the whole, “who would you save?” routine and he picks her each time until she makes the scenario between her and the beer?
[Here it is below]
Well you are like that with your Xbox, and she KNOWS it.
Let’s just say that if she was on a ladder hanging pictures next to you while you were playing Call of Duty and she lost her footing, she would be shit out of luck.
“Sorry babe, you know I can’t pause when I’m playing Live and I couldn’t let that kid kill me, he’s been talking shit this whole game!”
“You broke your arm from the fall? Okay just let me finish this game and I’ll take you to the hospital. Actually, you think you can drive yourself?”
2. You say you are only going to play for an hour to relieve some stress, but “an hour” encrypted is “all night long” every single time.
3. You are constantly personifying your Xbox. “Babe, I need to play Xbox to calm down because it’s been such a bad day.” “Xbox is my escape from reality.” “I love Xbox.” [Seriously guys?]
On Xbox: “Man this shit is out of control. I can’t believe I seriously just killed Boomer, Hunter, Smoker, Tank, Screamer, and a Witch! Die zombies, die!” [Insert you calling/texting all of your friends to tell them of your accomplishment like you just got your Bachelor’s Degree or something]
Off Xbox: “No babe I’m NOT hungry. My palms are sweaty, my heart is racing, and I am numbed to the world around me. I just need to shred some f-in noobs!”
5. You say things like, “Ryan’s girlfriend doesn’t care that he plays Xbox all the time. She says she likes to watch him play all day.” [That’s because Ryan’s girlfriend is a lying whore]
6. Somehow every time she tries to get into it and play with you, you claim that the other control is broken or that the game you are playing is only single player. Yet when your friends come over, magically the controller works again and the game “just got a new feature” that allows double player.
7. She walks out in lingerie while you are playing and your response is, “Getting all dolled up to read the latest Elle issue? That’s weird of you.”
8. You turn on her when she doesn’t play at your level.
[12 year old kid from 4,000 miles away]: “Hey Iluvmybf2011, I hope you’re as good at sucking in the real world as you are on here because that’s the only way you’ll ever get anywhere in life biatch!”
[You]: “Good one man. That girl sucks, lets boot her out of here!”
9. You’re getting fat from your gaming diet of Cool Ranch Dorritos, Lays, and Flamin’ Hot Cheetos.
10. You consider anything negative said about the Xbox to be a personal attack, and you pounce on her for it.
[Her]: “I really hate Xbox, especially that stupid Assassins Creed game.”
[You]: “Well you’re ugly and clearly uneducated as Assassins Creed is one of the best Xbox games of all time. I also hate your feet and that stupid face you make when you’re about to sneeze. Bitch.”
**Have you seen this video?
I wanted to propose that women do a version of this to their boyfriends, husbands, sons, etc. by pretending they sold the Xbox to cover a serious medical expense.
After thinking about it however, I decided I would feel so guilty about all of the domestic violence videos I would receive, so I scratched the idea.
Men: If you only take away one message from this entire post let it be this one:
[This post was written in jest and is not meant to be taken offensively in any way, shape, or form]