Be Careful What You Wear For Valentine’s Day. It Just Might Destroy The World
Let’s talk, lingerie. I know there are varying opinions on those delicate, sometimes dominant articles of night-time wear, but I love it. To me, lingerie is expressive and flirty and fun, and it makes me feel sexy when I find intimate attire that fits well and flatters my figure. The wide variety of styles, colors, materials, and patterns makes it easy to find something for any mood, and I relish in the look on my husband’s face every time I let my boosted self-confidence shine through a slinky little number.
However, there is a dark side to lingerie. A vast, pooling hole that collects souls and sex drives—cloaking itself as alluring while ripping couples apart and ruining their romantically planned evenings. This monster clings to our spines and sucks the very air from our lungs. If you’ve found yourself face to face with this beast, it is something you won’t soon forget. I’m talking, of course, about lingerie clasps.
As the day of love quickly approaches, I feel it is my civic duty to caution you. You may be on the hunt for something sultry to wear in the bedroom that evening, and I would never forgive myself if I kept this knowledge inside when I could have saved your holiday, your relationship, your life.
The ugly truth is this: Lingerie clasps ruin more Valentine’s Days than forgetting to buy flowers ever will.
I do not know who invented these love singeing death traps, but I am confident they are burning in hell for eternity—so we can take comfort in that.
I can picture these heathens coming up with their diabolical plan. Carefully mapping out exactly how they would execute this perfect crime, and get away with it, too.
Demon #1: Let’s put a bunch of clasps on it!
Demon #2: Yes! And they will all be in the back where she can’t see them or easily reach.
Demon #3: Brilliant! By the time she’s dressed, she’ll be too exhausted to do anything else, least of all, sex.
Demon #1: And if by some miracle she isn’t crying from frustration and fatigue, her partner will then have to unclasp the entire thing to access her body.
Demon #2: By the time the clasping and unclasping finish, they will both be sexually frustrated, crying, and ready for bed.
Demon #3: My God, this is genius. We are going to destroy the entire world, one clasp at a time.
I know they say global warming is going to end life as we know it, but I’m pretty sure lingerie clasps will beat our planet to it. That is why this Valentine’s Day, I urge you to grab yourself a teddy or baby doll piece, instead. Don’t try and be the hero who masters the clasps. I’m telling you right now; you won’t win. Even if you manage to come out of the bathroom with each pin fastened in its proper place rather than lop-sided or half-done (like most of us usually settle for), your partner will inevitably fail to get it off of you and Valentine’s Day as you know it, will be ruined.
I hear that every time a clasp ravages a night of sex, a demon gets his horns and the planet heats up by .05 degree. Think of the children. And the polar bears. And your body, that wants to have a good time. Do the right thing for you, for your partner, and all of humankind, and don’t buy clasped lingerie this year.
Our universe thanks you in advance.